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Reprinted with permission
from Vintage Fashion & Costume Jewelry P.O Box 265 Glen Oaks, NY 11004 VCFJ@aol.com and the author Joe Todaro |
HOW TO BUY JEWELRY FOR HER!
Her who? Read no further. If you have to ask that question, you need a dating service or an undertaker. There is a woman in every man’s life, be it a significant other, mother, grandmother, aunt, or somebody like Lucille Tempesta, (editor & publisher of VJCJ) whom you wish was related to you.
DON’T #1
Eventually the necessity will arise for all men to buy jewelry for Her. Here is my advice: Avoid your first impulse and do not go out and buy twenty cases of Cracker Jack hoping to get lucky. Save your money for real treasure.
DON’T #2
Do not head for the hardware story and buy a metal detector. By the time you find that special someone, Her special something, the special day will have passed and your predicament will not be special at all.
DON’T #3
Do not ask Her sister, mother, best friend for a suggestion. While these women swear themselves to secrecy in your presence, and may actually remain mute until the purchase is delivered, should anything untoward happen, you’re on your own. Especially lonesome will be your plight should the purchase not strike Her fancy. Then it’s all about your rotten taste and thoughtlessness. Avoid this one, brother.
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DON’T #4 That cute chick behind the jewelry counter at the department store may be a
sight for your sore eyes, but her taste is probably all in her mouth-not to
mention the ball that she had her tongue pierced with. It is much safer to find
a middle-aged or matronly sales person if you sink to the department store
route. At least a woman with experience will help you pick out something with a
decent sales commission attached. You’re in much safer water here, pal. DON’T #5 Please, please, please do not fall for the fatal two routes that follow. If you do, never mention my name. My life insurance won’t cover this disaster. |
Never, never, never buy Her a gift certificate. This is an admission of guilt, laziness, and stupidity. It says: "I can’t pick out jewelry. I don’t know what you like, I don’t think about your likes and dislikes. I don’t have time to waste in jewelry stores. I am too insecure in my masculinity to stand at a jewelry counter and appear to understand what the salesperson is saying. Some of my buds might see me there. I don’t know if your ears are pierced or not."
DON’T #6
Never, never, never steal one of Her sets of earrings you think she hasn’t worn in several years and try to give it to Her as new. Women have the ability to remember the exact earrings, brooch, dress, shoes, underwear, and color of eye shadow they wore on the date you saw "Die Hard" the second time. Remember, women never forget.
When the need arises to buy Her jewelry, suck it up and do the manly thing. When you figure out what that is, please write and tell me. I’m in the same boat, amigo.
P.S. Does anyone know if my wife’s ears are pierced?